I love being a mother. It is not an easy job sometimes but the rewards far outweigh the hard times. I have been blessed with two beautiful, smart, kind, loving and wonderfully healthy children…and a boy and a girl at that. As most any mother could attest…sometimes the love you feel for your kids is just indescribable – there are no words that really do it justice.
Last night though was, by far, the most challenging moment I have had as a mother so far. More so than all the sleepless nights and Terrible Two tantrums combined. I so desperately wanted to call in sick to work today because I am simply exhausted in every way possible…mentally, emotionally and even physically. My daughter really put me to the test last night and unfortunately I feel as though I failed miserably.
When it comes to kids testing their limits I tend to think of the younger years since that seems to be when most kiddos are seeing how far they can go. My Diva Darling is 10 years old right now and definitely seeing just how far she can push. Hunky Hubby is always telling me that the Diva and I butt heads because we are so much alike, and I guess I can see that.
I do my best to keep my cool and walk away when I need to. Last night though, she wouldn’t let me walk away. She kept pushing and pushing, and I finally lost my temper and really yelled at her. I said things that I just shouldn’t have said. Please don’t judge me too harshly as I am so ashamed to even admit that. I was finally able to get her to stop and just go to her room and I went to mine and we both bawled our eyes out. I felt like the worst mother in the world for losing my cool like that. It was such a terrible feeling and I am still in tears about it today.
When Hunky Hubby got home he was able to talk to both of us and he was very supportive of me reminding me that I am only human and that when someone continually pushes and pushes it is inevitable that you will break at some point…I just felt I should have been stronger. Once things finally calmed down, her and I both apologized to each other and this morning was hugs and kisses as usual when I dropped her off for school but I am struggling with the beginnings of a migraine and unbelievable feelings of guilt for yelling like I did.
I am not and never will be the best mom in the world but I sure as hell want to be the best mom I can be to both of my kids…but last night, I definitely was not. I have to give my own mom credit for not killing me now that I think back on some of the smart mouth things I said and some of the stupid things I did growing up. I am afraid of the teenage years right now….ugh, just thinking about it makes my migraine worse.
She did write me a very sweet letter promising to never behave like that again…however I tend to think of that as a pie crust promise, as Mary Poppins would say…easily made, easily broken. I am praying and holding out hope however that we will both learn from last night and that we will be able to work together and better handle things in the future. I am sure I am not the only one who has ever had a night like that as a parent…but right now, it sure feels like it.
In the words of Anne Shirley..."Today is a new day...with no mistakes in it." So today I will "Just keep swimming..." and repeating those words in my head.
7 comments:
HUGS! You ARE a good mom. We are all tested now & then and it sounds like you came out fine.
Hang in there.
Don't be too hard on yourself.It is not easy being a parent!I have been in that situation many a time!!
~Anne
Sorry you had such a rough time but I can totally relate. you are human and you are a good mom
Sending you lots of hugs!!! You know I've not had many trying moments with Alexandra ... but I am sure I'll have a Mommy Meltdown at some point in the future. I know that you make your family your top priority -- so it must be especially painful to feel like you fell down on the job. I think the only thing that could be done, you did -- dust yourself off, pick yourself up, and try to do better next time!!! *HUGS*
Heather, my son is a continuous boundary-tester and button-pusher, and I have lost my temper with him more times than I like to think about. Putting it behind you is definitely the best thing you can do...and don't beat yourself up over it...no mom is perfect all the time!
PS, I'm your newest follower and I found you through Tips from the Heart for the Home :)
Some days my kids drive me to the very brink of mental breakdown. I swear. Some days I think they drive me past it (15, 10, and 6)
But Anne is right. Anne is usually right.
Hi Heather, ran across this post. I have 4 daughters (last one is 17). Guess what? They all turned out to be wonderful, God loving, sensitive, mature, honest, trustworthy, amazing adult women. Guess what? I yelled ALOT! Yes, I said things I shouldn't have said and felt the guilt and still feel it at times. But, the important thing for you to know is YOU ARE IN CONTROL, she isn't. Sometimes I would forget that, because they all knew how to push my buttons. She will learn to push yours, and unfortunately at a very young age. Stay strong, remind her who you are in her life, demand respect and go to your room (yes, lock the door) if she won't go to hers OR leave the house and walk. There you go. Hang in there. It is hard!!! Stay consistent, if she gets totally out of control, then let her know there are consequences...she'll start understanding really quick that the "out of control behavior" is not ok. Girls are drama queens, especially when they are PMSing and they LOVE to take out everything that is bothering them on their Mom's! What's with that? No fair. Now to go check out that Halloween wreath...
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