A new life she has found.

One of the things I love about scrapbooking is that I find it to be very therapeutic sometimes. It helps me relax when I am feeling stressed, has helped me to connect with some wonderful women who I know call friends and have been so wonderful and supportive to me over the years, it even helps me communicate better - sometimes I can write what I want to say so much better than just speaking it. This time however I have used it a bit to heal. I was inspired by a friend and fellow scrapbooker over at The House of Paper when she posted a LO regarding a painful part of her past. Just the other day I heard a song on the radio which brought back some painful memories of my own past and while I would not normally scrapbook something like that I decided to take a cue from her and just went for it.

I made this LO and will put it in my This is ME journal. I hope to keep it out of my children's eyes until they are older and can ask questions and have a better understanding if they want to know more. I hope that it will prevent my daughter from possibly falling into a similar situation as it seems these kinds of relationships are more and more common these days -- and I hope to prevent my son from being a person like that.

I have been wondering if I should really post this on my blog but again, if my friend who inspired me can do it, then I guess I can too.

The hidden journaling reads:

I heard this song for the first time the other day and the words really struck something inside me. I was suddenly flooded with memories of a time in my life that I have tried to forget. I wished I had heard a song like this 15 years ago. Perhaps it would have helped me to say “enough” sooner. Even now, all these years later, it is hard to put into words all that I am thinking and feeling. When I look back, I can hardly believe that was my life. Even now, there is a sense of shame that I feel when I think about it. I was once involved in an abusive relationship – both emotional and physical. It wasn’t like that at first but then gradually it just became that way. Why didn’t I leave at the first sign of trouble? Denial, maybe? Low self-esteem? I suffered abuse as a child by a care giver – maybe I just figured this was the way my life was supposed to be? I really do not have a good answer to that question and maybe that is why I don’t share that part of my life with very many people. Even those who are aware don’t really know the extent of things. After years of feeling so ashamed and trying to cover up the bruises and make excuses, I finally had the courage to say “enough”. I was able to finally see that my life could be better than this and I finally started listening to my friends who were trying to help me. I was lucky enough to meet someone who showed me real love and that I was worth so much more than I was giving myself credit for. I was also lucky enough to marry that ‘someone’ years later! It was not easy but I eventually moved on and moved away from that part of my life. There are times that I still feel haunted by things that happened but then I see where I am today and feel a sense of strength at the new life I did indeed find when I finally had enough.

The song lyrics are:

FACE DOWN

Hey, girl, you know you drive me crazy.

One look puts the rhythm in my hand.

Still I'll never understand why you hang around.

I see what's going down.

Cover up with makeup in the mirror.

Tell yourself, it's never gonna happen again.

You cry alone and then he swears he loves you.

A pebble in the water makes a ripple effect.

Every action in this world will bear a consequence.

If you wade around forever, you will surely drown.I

see what's going down.

I see the way you go and say you're right again,

Say you're right again, heed my lecture.

Do you feel like a man when you push her around?

Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?

Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end

as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.

One day she will tell you that she has had enough

it's coming round again…

Face down in the dirt, she said,

"This doesn't hurt",

she said,"I finally had enough."

I love this girl!

Isn't she precious? This is my little party planner. It seems she had been planning a little surprise party for me. She had even written out a list which Steve gave me (for the scrapbook, he said). I came home from work on my birthday and was greeted to screams of "SURPRISE" from Stevie, Steve, my mom and of course, Alyson.

She had picked out Pirates of the Carribean themed party supplies, complete with party favors and pirate bandanas, because she said she knows how much I love Captain Jack. I got a "Birthday Captain" ribbon to wear too! She told Daddy exactly where to hang the banner, cleaned and set out the table and even picked out a cake for me. Her excitement was evident when I came home and she couldn't wait to show me the rose bushes her and Steve had picked up that day for me as well...they are my favorite and so they are going to plant them outside our master bathroom window so I can see them everyday. Steve told me how she had instructed everyone on what to do when I came home from work.

To know that she did all that, all of her own accord, just warms my heart and brings tears to my eyes (even now!) I can't believe I was feeling so down about my birthday this year -- I am so blessed and it feels wonderful to know how loved I really am! And like a good friend said...it is only a number, right?!

I love this girl!

I was kidnapped!

Yesterday morning I had planned to sleep in as we had spent and late night at the drag races. It would seem my family had other plans!

I was woken up by my mom and sisters early Saturday morning. You can imagine my surprise when I rolled over expecting to see Alyson only to see Mom, Rachelle and Tink all looking back at me! Rachelle informed me they were here to take me to dinner (but it's morning!?) and we are going to a friend's house (what does Gina have to do with this?!) Then they hand me 2 gifts to open...one is a package of sharpies (?!?!) the other a sash that says "Birthday Girl" Then the 3 of them proceed to sing "M-I-C-K-E-Y..." They had conspired with Steve to kidnap me for the day and take me for a girls day at Walt Disney World in honor of my birthday! Once I was finally awake and promised a stop off at Starbucks for a latte on the way I was excited and ready to go!

We spent the day hopping back and forth from Epcot and the Magic Kingdom. I got a Happy Birthday button from the cast members at Disney, which I confess, I always did want to have one of those! And I got so many comments on birthday girl sash as well - people wanted to buy their own and were so surprised to find out my mom made it! It was fun to have so many people telling me happy birthday through out the day.

I was excited to meet the artist, David Doss too. We came across him in The Art of Disney store. Turns out he is the one who drew the disney art I have hanging in my kids' bathroom (I was also thrilled to finally get him to tell me where a hidden Mickey was in one of his pictures!). My sister Rachelle bought me a small matted print of his and had him autograph it for me which was very cool! And he agreed to take a pic with me next to some of his art work! While we were in that same shop I received a phone call from Goofy who sang Happy Birthday to me! I was just so giddy (such a dork, I know!)

I had so much fun getting pics with some of the characters and they even signed my sash! The rainy day did not get us down and by the time we got to our dinner reservations in Germany we were all pretty cold and wet but didn't stop my sisters and I from having some fun doing the chicken dance! I even got a birthday card from all the cast members in Germany...so nice!

I haven't had this much fun or been this surprised for my birthday in a long time! I confess, I had really wanted to spend my weekend home scrapping in the Spring Fling at SOS but being able to spend some time with my mom and sisters at The House of Mouse (the friend's house we were going to, BTW) was just awesome! We did not get home until 2:30 in the morning...we spent about 13 hours at the parks! My youngest sister, Tink even drove home from Tallahasse just to be here and it would seem my sister Rachelle was the master mind behind the whole thing! How lucky am I?

Tonight my parents, Rachelle and my brother were here to make dinner and bring me cake! And tomorrow my mom is coming back yet again so that Steve and I can go out to dinner on my actual birthday! And here I was feeling bad about turning 35 this year...gotta tell you...it is feeling pretty good right now!