I love being a mother. It is not an easy job sometimes but the rewards far outweigh the hard times. I have been blessed with two beautiful, smart, kind, loving and wonderfully healthy children…and a boy and a girl at that. As most any mother could attest…sometimes the love you feel for your kids is just indescribable – there are no words that really do it justice.
Last night though was, by far, the most challenging moment I have had as a mother so far. More so than all the sleepless nights and Terrible Two tantrums combined. I so desperately wanted to call in sick to work today because I am simply exhausted in every way possible…mentally, emotionally and even physically. My daughter really put me to the test last night and unfortunately I feel as though I failed miserably.
When it comes to kids testing their limits I tend to think of the younger years since that seems to be when most kiddos are seeing how far they can go. My Diva Darling is 10 years old right now and definitely seeing just how far she can push. Hunky Hubby is always telling me that the Diva and I butt heads because we are so much alike, and I guess I can see that.
I do my best to keep my cool and walk away when I need to. Last night though, she wouldn’t let me walk away. She kept pushing and pushing, and I finally lost my temper and really yelled at her. I said things that I just shouldn’t have said. Please don’t judge me too harshly as I am so ashamed to even admit that. I was finally able to get her to stop and just go to her room and I went to mine and we both bawled our eyes out. I felt like the worst mother in the world for losing my cool like that. It was such a terrible feeling and I am still in tears about it today.
When Hunky Hubby got home he was able to talk to both of us and he was very supportive of me reminding me that I am only human and that when someone continually pushes and pushes it is inevitable that you will break at some point…I just felt I should have been stronger. Once things finally calmed down, her and I both apologized to each other and this morning was hugs and kisses as usual when I dropped her off for school but I am struggling with the beginnings of a migraine and unbelievable feelings of guilt for yelling like I did.
I am not and never will be the best mom in the world but I sure as hell want to be the best mom I can be to both of my kids…but last night, I definitely was not. I have to give my own mom credit for not killing me now that I think back on some of the smart mouth things I said and some of the stupid things I did growing up. I am afraid of the teenage years right now….ugh, just thinking about it makes my migraine worse.
She did write me a very sweet letter promising to never behave like that again…however I tend to think of that as a pie crust promise, as Mary Poppins would say…easily made, easily broken. I am praying and holding out hope however that we will both learn from last night and that we will be able to work together and better handle things in the future. I am sure I am not the only one who has ever had a night like that as a parent…but right now, it sure feels like it.
In the words of Anne Shirley..."Today is a new day...with no mistakes in it." So today I will "Just keep swimming..." and repeating those words in my head.
